Sunday, May 17, 2009

Superman Returns...to Suck

Am I really writing a review about a movie I only watched half of on a sleepy Saturday on cable? Oh yeah, baby. Superman Returns stinks like a crowded Croatian bus in the summer. Where to begin? Somehow, a $200 million movie looked cheap. Brandon Routh, who will be appearing in an upcoming production called Life is Hot in Cracktown, managed to render DC Comics' most boring hero even more mind-numbing. The movie is dark, perhaps to reflect the mood of viewers who had to pay money to watch this, when Superman represents American exceptionalism and a bright future. I can't tell if Kate Bosworth (as Lois Lane) can't act her way out of a wet paper bag or if her character is just that poorly written. Here's a movie twist that would actually be interesting: have the illegitimate kid of questionable parentage not be the child of the hero. Not that I'm saying the kid is Superman's...wouldn't want to spoil that mystery solvable only by Gil Grissom and team. As for the very talented if overrated Kevin Spacey, his performance is cartoonish, which wouldn't be a problem except the rest of the movie isn't cartoonish, but is brooding and emo. Members of Good Charlotte think this movie needs to man up a bit.

The worst aspect of the movie? It's boring. When the special effects aren't hard to see because it's so dark, they're stupid and fake looking. The big action sequences are not the least bit tense, dramatic, or exciting. You don't care about anybody in the movie; I held out some sympathy for Superman's kid...I mean the kid of mysterious parentage, 'cause it's hard to guess...but I turned against him because of his annoying floppy hair. It's not the kid's fault. Tons of parents today think their sons should look like the mop-topped whiner in Liar Liar.

Superman Returns is a mopey, boring mess. All that's missing is some guyliner for Superman and a Saves the Day soundtrack.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Favre on Childress: He Misunderstood; I Want to be an Actual Viking

In an interview with the Associated Press, Brett Favre clarified his decision to stay retired from the NFL. "Coach Childress misunderstood when I said I wanted to be a viking. Ever since I read about Eric the Red in one of my kid's books, I felt a kinship to the Norse people and desired to be united with them."

Minnesota head coach Brad Childress explained, "I mistakenly thought that Brett's comments meant he wanted to join our football team. He agreed to meet with me because sources told him that I was an expert in Norse mythology, particularly in funeral rites. If he changes his mind again, we'd be happy to take his call."

Favre declined further comment, but was last seen drafting a petition to remove biased references to "burning" and "pillaging" about the Vikings from Mississippi textbooks.