Friday, January 30, 2009

Pink Panther 2 is Coming Out, and You Still Don't Believe in Satan?

I guess whoever the hell inflicted the Steve Martin version of Pink Panther on us has decided that humanity hasn't had enough punishment between a global economic meltdown, 8 years of the Bush administration, Obama's election, wars/rumors of wars, and worst of all, the first Steve Martin Pink Panther. In case you hadn't noticed, Steve Martin hasn't been funny since the Reagan administration. I should have known the first movie was going to be epically bad (rather than just plain bad) when Jason Statham, one of my favorite actors, is killed within 90 seconds. I don't know that I can forgive anyone involved in the making of that movie. It was so horrible, we basically stopped being friends with the couple that took us to the movie just so we didn't have to remember the movie.

And now they've made a second one? The ads are even referencing one of the worst moments of the first movie where Martin attempts to pronounce "hamburger." Being boiled alive would be less painful than another minute of this horrible franchise. These movies prove that Satan exists. If I go to hell, Steve Martin will be saying "hamburger" in his horrible accent while Beyonce stares stupidly on.

Psycho right wing nut jobs: do us all a favor; take a break from bombing abortion clinics and see what you can do about ending the Pink Panther pandemic.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Celebrities Speak Out on America's Courage to Elect a Half-White President

Celebrities gathered together at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club to ring in the new year, but they couldn't stop talking about one thing: America's bold choice to elect a half-white president. "I really think we've come a long way," said the Yankee's Derek Jeter. "It just shows where we are as a country that we can entrust our nation to a guy with a white mom." Teammate Alex Rodriguez added, "I'm still taken aback that the media was so welcoming of someone who ingratiated to them so much - a Democrat, no less."

These Yankees weren't the only sports figures in attendance. Atlanta Hawks point guard Mike Bibby stated that he was grateful to live in a time where we could elect a president with drug problems and an absentee father in his past. NBA star and Olympic gold Medalist Jason Kidd noted, "Electing a president who's never helped a business earn a profit and whose leadership experience wouldn't qualify him to run a Wendy's is just the kind of change we need."

Diva Mariah Carey was most touched of all: "It really moves me that our country elected a male raised by rich white people and educated in Ivy League schools. I think we'd all agree: it's about time."