Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A New Campaign Tactic?

You may attract more flies with honey than vinegar, but neither get as many flies as a corpse. In the midst of a political argument, one man became so heated he slammed the other man's head into the wall in Port St. Lucie, Florida. What could convince someone your ideas are superior more than a tasty knuckle sandwich?

P.S. I have yet to discover any evidence that the state of Florida isn't chock-full of idiots. Please message me with any refutations.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Gang Members: Buy a Prius

Every gang member should buy a Prius. I realized this when I was nearly struck by a Prius crossing the street and didn't even hear it coming. The gang-related benefits of owning a Prius include the quiet when sneaking up for a drive-by (as opposed to loud, clunky, decades-old Chevys) and obviously the fuel economy necessary when cruising your turf. Besides, what cop is going to suppose it's a Crip behind the wheel of America's most pretentious vehicle?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Celebrating Intellectual Diversity

In an often cold, unsympathetic world, it's important to choose one's words carefully. As a nation, we've come a long way in the way we describe minorities, the learning disabled, and the male gamete-deficient gender. But a group commonly discriminated against with almost no repercussions are individuals sometimes referred to as "stupid", "dumb", "dim-witted", or "George Bush-esque." We must stop using these horrible adjectives and start using a more compassionate phrase: intellectually diverse. The term "intellectually diverse" recognizes the multiplicity of intellectual faculties and their roles in our lives. Similarly, what was once called "making fun of stupid people" must now be referred to as "celebrating intellectual diversity." Please, join with me in celebrating intellectual diversity and identifying people of weaker faculties as intellectually diverse so that we might act with the utmost sensitivity while communicating.

Author of Astronaut Diaper is an Unoriginal Douche

I Googled "manopause" trying to find my own blog and saw 11,300 entries, roughly the number of times John McCain has talked about Vietnam in this campaign. My apologies to the simultaneous creators of that word and all other clutchers of low-hanging fruit.

P.S. Vincent Gallo, Brody Jenner, John Edward, Seal, and Joe Biden are the first five famous people described as a douche when you Google that particular word. Other famous Google douches are Dane Cook, Michael Phelps, Jimmy Carter, and the Marlboro Man. Just thought you wanted to know.