Monday, September 29, 2008

Learn to Speak Stevebonics: Manopause

In my series "Learn to Speak Stevebonics" I take you to the cutting edge of linguistic pursuit, meaning words I make up (or let's be honest, steal) to amuse myself.

Ladies, do you ever tire of middle-aged men losing their minds and it getting chalked up to a completely avoidable "mid-life crisis" while you are to look forward to "menopause," an inevitable, possibly decade-long insanity and complete hormonal overhaul and are treated like mental patients? No longer, ladies do you have to take this. I have identified the condition "manopause." Have you noticed your middle-aged parents and acquaintances of both sexes? They all want to quit their jobs and take a completely different path. Both sexes cry more often, lose their temper, and their reproductive capabilities both diminish (have you seen a Viagra/Cialis/etc. commercial lately?) Can you simultaneously believe a woman is crazy for going batty over an empty nest while laughing off a man who purchases a vehicle appropriate only for a female cast member of 90210? It's called manopause.

No, I am Not a Polygamist Spokesperson

One of the trials of being unique in a certain way is that people expect you to speak for all of your "kind." You might ask a foreigner "wow, what's it like in India?" or "why do you Germans love David Hasselhoff so much?" Being the only Mormon at work (and coincidentally, I'm a Texan), my coworkers pelted me with questions about the FLDS compound and the goings-on, as if the LDS and FLDS get together and compare notes. I simply told them the F in FLDS stands for "f-ed up" and told them I'd have to consult one of my many wives. I guess I should have been more interested in wackos from my home state who are besmirching my faith's name and promoting the world's ugliest clothing line (check the website...wish I was joking) but I tired of the story quickly. Asking the LDS folk to answer for the FLDS is a bit like expecting Barack Obama to represent the crew of Sunset Tan. Both Obama and the neon beach crowd have dark skin, but like the LDS/FLDS comparison, one is the real thing and the other one is faking it.