2009 Didn't Entirely Suck, I Guess

2009, as you may recall, sucked. The economy sucked, we had our 21st consecutive year of having a total moron in the White House (who beat out another moron), the Beatles were even more prevalent with the release of their edition of Rock Band, the Lakers and Yankees both won championships, and it's still legal to show Nancy Pelosi and John McCain on television. It also marked the first year of my working life where I actually made less money than the year before, even before I got laid off. Other stuff that sucked: I had to work at that job for ten months out of the year, Kris Allen won American Idol, and Facebook invented 70,000 more inane games to fill my news feed.

But I'm not going to dwell on that stuff. I had two awesome highlights last year, and I want to share them with you.

Getting Laid Off

In September 2003 I moved to Seattle metro from Austin, leaving behind tons of friends, nearby family, and an easy job to go live in the basement of a clown. To support myself while I went to school, I applied to approximately 70,000 jobs. Not CEO positions, but stupid jobs, and couldn't get a call back, not even from Blockbuster (though they do need a store manager now at a location near me...) In December I finally got my one and only interview with a floral distributor. A middle aged woman named Barbara hired me because I apparently fit her agenda of filling her office with cute college guys. I should have known that this whole scenario was doomed when the GM nearly choked when I asked for a whole dollar an hour more than he wanted to pay. Or maybe I should have just left when the owner wanted to fire me because I was "getting in the way." But because of a combination of apathy, loyalty, laziness, my bad resume, and depression, I stuck around for six years.

Among the many highlights of my tenure there:
1) Hearing very high-decibel and very personal shouting matches between the GM and owner, who were later married, in the office next door
2) Being called "the help" by our owner
3) Taking the owner's fetid dog to its salon appointments
4) Providing tech support to coworkers who don't realize that the computer doesn't work when it is off
5) Having accounting debates with customers whose accounting consists of throwing all of their receipts in a drawer
6) Realizing that my position in the company is actually despised by management
7) Being promised bonuses that never materialized
8) Having the Christmas bonus canceled, the company Christmas party canceled, then the pot luck to replace the party which would have cost the company nothing canceled, only to discover the company spent thousands of dollars on a dinner for select employees (five years of quality work apparently not qualifying for that honor)
9) Constantly being told by my supervisor that everyone not in sales costs the company money and is a burden, even though I was in charge of collections and did a good job at it
10) Hearing our loony owner ask a fellow childless female employee if her pets gave her Mother's Day cards
11) Being instructed by our GM to order 4 pirate costumes for his mother-in-law's memorial service
12) Earning half the salary of a tubby, pointy-haired woman with no discernible job description
13) Hearing the phrase "floral emergency" dozens of times
14) Having to wake up every day before bars closed
15) Dropping off a vehicle for a couple of managers on a dangerous stretch of highway (their tire had blown out), waiting for the tow truck that nobody had called, and being disregarded later

So for those of you who think, "Maybe getting laid off was a blessing in disguise," you're wrong. It's a blessing naked and doing jumping jacks in front of me.

The Mogwai

After two years of aborted sleep, entire wardrobes being covered in baby barf, feces covering an entire room, voluminous bodily fluids covering your home, and the joys of taking a child out in public, as well as a guaranteed 8 months of unrelenting spousal unpleasantness, we just had to have another kid, right? But you can live through all of that stuff when you get to have this:





Jason was born on June 27th in his grandparents' bathtub. Thus far, he's the best-behaved baby I've ever encountered in my life, a sweet kid who tries to engage the people around him. He's my favorite person on the earth right now. Getting drooled and spit up on is a small price to pay to have that much love in your life.

My Stupid Kids Ruined Everything

A few months ago our family endured an experience that will forever live in infamy, now an inextricable part of Hall family lore that Aimee and I will tell until we die, and maybe even after that. My daughter Jillian, then two and a half, spread diaper content all over the room while she refused to nap. This was all accomplished while she remained in the crib. And you needn't underestimate the phrase all over the room; when I came into the room she was literally painting the walls with it. This diaper content was on the walls, on the crib, on the crib mattress, on the mouse pad that was on the desk across the room, on the nearby rocking chair, all over the carpet, and defying the laws of physics, under the crib. I was rendered speechless as I gazed upon the scene, not comprehending how to process the moment or what to do about it. I had never encountered such a disgusting scene in my entire life, so I needed a moment to step out and gather myself to decide how to go about restoring order. I rinsed Jillian off as thoroughly as is legal, trying to keep her filthy hands out of her mouth. Being somewhat of a neat freak, I had to completely subdue my repulsion at the incident and accept that I was going to be disgusting after this too.

After her thorough scrubbing I left Jilly in the bath for approximately three hours while I went to work (don't worry about her - she'd move into the bath if she could). For a moment, I fantasized about the few blissful months of my life when I lived by myself, a period of uninterrupted tidiness and quiescence. (Other men fantasize about beautiful women and a life of luxury; I fantasize about cleanliness and time to myself.) Having cleaned up every inch of the room and disinfected myself, I reflected on the previous several hours of what should have been abject misery. I found that I hadn't worked in that cesspool grudgingly, with no self-pity, and even the disgust had mostly disappeared. This episode helped me realize that I'm thoroughly a father now, that all of the lessons and examples of what it means to be a real man and a good dad had embedded themselves in my character.

In my view, there are two basic options to responding to how you're raised: adopting those principles or rejecting them. My home was a big family in a small house; none of my parents or siblings are particularly demure or unopinionated, the TV and music devices constantly played, and something was always going on. Many people growing up in those circumstances seek that out the rest of their lives, but I developed a longing for quiet and solitude. From my teens onward, I dreamed of becoming a translator of ancient documents, scouring dusty texts in a locked basement somewhere. My other dreams situations were a permutation of this scenario, where I could be around other people at my leisure and of my choosing. Time and again God has shown me that is not what He intends for me; I have something to offer others and those same people have something to offer me.

More recently I had another moment of duress which eventually resulted in my edification. I was experiencing a high degree of stress in virtually every component of my life - at work, domestically, with my church duties, with my health, and trying to decide upon future endeavors - and found myself with precious little patience or anything else left to give. One afternoon after yet another soul-sucking day at work, I came home to a messy house with a lot on my mind. Not long after, my toddler and my baby began shrieking in unison (a condition I refer to as the Lynnwood Children's Chorus). Neither of the two could be consoled by conventional means despite our best efforts. I wanted to scream, if nothing else to show my kids how annoying they were. I was on my last nerve and Jillian and Jason were relentless in their attempts to deafen us. I walked into my room to collect my feelings and strategize what the next step would be; it was in this moment that I decided to take charge and at minimum spare Aimee some of the agony. I grabbed both of the kids and made them come into my room where we all laid down. While they continued to scream, I calmly read to them and held them closely.

Instead of being annoyed and frustrated with them, I wanted to soothe them and bring them some peace. I pulled them even closer and continued to read and sing to my kids until one of the rarest of domestic miracles occurred: they both fell asleep at the same time.

Only in the aftermath did it dawn on me what had occurred. In the moment, my feelings were set aside and I just gave what I had to my family. My children were granted a little bit of peace as was my wife. As a Christian I strive to be more Christlike, to apply the principles of scripture and do my part to become worthy of the Lord's blessings. That day, Jillian and Jason gave me an opportunity to serve and realize that I have at least in part become the person I have always hoped to be.

My family has always inspired me and given me reason to do and be better. One word that isn't used often to describe Aimee is heroic, but it should be. She once told me that she didn't have those mood swings like most pregnant women which is accurate; it's more of a constant state of nastiness and displeasure. Aimee on the whole is an excellent person, admirable in countless ways. But I've never been more impressed with another human being as I was each time she gave birth to our children. When she bore Jilly (it's seems to minimize Aimee's role to say "when Jilly was born," like it just sort of happened during a commercial break), Aimee kept her wits about her all throughout labor. Deprived of food, drink, and sleep by the illogical rules of the hospital, Aimee remained polite, considerate, and focused only on her baby. When she gave birth to Jason, this time outside the hospital and without the aid of medication, she showed a toughness and determination I had not seen in her before. Both times I was moved by the tremendous character of my wife, reminding me how much God has blessed me in letting me be a part of this family. I felt it keenly a month ago when Jason first really began smiling and I wanted to know how to make him smile. He isn't quite ticklish, he doesn't like being whooshed around, so then I stuck my tongue out at him. He smiled! I kept doing it and he kept enjoying it. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, seeing my baby smile and knowing that I was responsible for it.
Getting married and having kids changes everything. Free time evaporates, cash flow shrinks, quiet disappears, and stress abounds. My family is messy, in a housekeeping sense and otherwise. My peaceful, predictable life is over, but I couldn't be happier about it. Aimee, Jason, and Jillian have given me a far better life.

ACLU: CIA Interrogators Use of "Pretty Please" Insincere, Insulting

The post-Bushian national security paradigm still has yet to please the American Civil Liberties Union. "In our evaluation of the interrogation of terror suspects under this administration has been discourteous, even downright rude," said spokesman Hugh Giass. "In many cases, these interrogators don't seem to mean it when they politely request information."

Among other reported abuses of individuals accused of mercenary actions are sarcasm, lack of personal trainers, and unfluffed pillows.

Why Political "Sex Scandals" Are Relevant

In the era of the Roman Empire, seekers of office would wear the whitest clothing they could find. White has always been a symbol of purity, in this case the purity of truth. Candor was the premium selling point of the day, hence the origin of the word "candidate." Promises and intentions are all any political candidate really has in running, so the forthrightness and dedication in pursuing those promises become the capital of the candidate who is elected to office.

Knowing someone is a promise-keeper is important for obvious reasons: you can only trust someone you know will get the job done. Faith in God is based in knowing that obedience is blessed and sin is punished without variability. Faith in a politician is based on his or her ability to deliver on promises made to the voting public. One easy way to know a politician is not a truthful person is to learn of their marital infidelity.

Who cares what goes on between two consenting adults? Why is someone's personal sex life relevant? It's not that what goes on behind closed doors that's the business of the people, it is the dishonesty and gigantic moral failing of adultery that is meaningful for voters. Whatever David Archuleta's dad did in the back of the massage parlor is meaningless to us; what Senator Ensign of Nevada did proves that he is a liar, unable to keep a central promise in his life. If Sen. Ensign broke the covenant with his wife, whom he presumably loves, what other promises at stake can be tossed away? For all the politicians like Ensign, Larry Craig, Bill Clinton, Gary Hart, Mark Foley and the rest, the questions remains: if they can screw over the people in their life they are supposed to hold most dear, what's to stop them from screwing you?

Politicians are free to have private lives and do more or less what they wish when they get home with whomever. But when the public is availed of knowledge of the core dishonesty of one its supposed servants via adultery, all of the promises and intentions of that individual may be called into question.

Superman Returns...to Suck

Am I really writing a review about a movie I only watched half of on a sleepy Saturday on cable? Oh yeah, baby. Superman Returns stinks like a crowded Croatian bus in the summer. Where to begin? Somehow, a $200 million movie looked cheap. Brandon Routh, who will be appearing in an upcoming production called Life is Hot in Cracktown, managed to render DC Comics' most boring hero even more mind-numbing. The movie is dark, perhaps to reflect the mood of viewers who had to pay money to watch this, when Superman represents American exceptionalism and a bright future. I can't tell if Kate Bosworth (as Lois Lane) can't act her way out of a wet paper bag or if her character is just that poorly written. Here's a movie twist that would actually be interesting: have the illegitimate kid of questionable parentage not be the child of the hero. Not that I'm saying the kid is Superman's...wouldn't want to spoil that mystery solvable only by Gil Grissom and team. As for the very talented if overrated Kevin Spacey, his performance is cartoonish, which wouldn't be a problem except the rest of the movie isn't cartoonish, but is brooding and emo. Members of Good Charlotte think this movie needs to man up a bit.

The worst aspect of the movie? It's boring. When the special effects aren't hard to see because it's so dark, they're stupid and fake looking. The big action sequences are not the least bit tense, dramatic, or exciting. You don't care about anybody in the movie; I held out some sympathy for Superman's kid...I mean the kid of mysterious parentage, 'cause it's hard to guess...but I turned against him because of his annoying floppy hair. It's not the kid's fault. Tons of parents today think their sons should look like the mop-topped whiner in Liar Liar.

Superman Returns is a mopey, boring mess. All that's missing is some guyliner for Superman and a Saves the Day soundtrack.

Favre on Childress: He Misunderstood; I Want to be an Actual Viking

In an interview with the Associated Press, Brett Favre clarified his decision to stay retired from the NFL. "Coach Childress misunderstood when I said I wanted to be a viking. Ever since I read about Eric the Red in one of my kid's books, I felt a kinship to the Norse people and desired to be united with them."

Minnesota head coach Brad Childress explained, "I mistakenly thought that Brett's comments meant he wanted to join our football team. He agreed to meet with me because sources told him that I was an expert in Norse mythology, particularly in funeral rites. If he changes his mind again, we'd be happy to take his call."

Favre declined further comment, but was last seen drafting a petition to remove biased references to "burning" and "pillaging" about the Vikings from Mississippi textbooks.

My Stimulus Suggestions

We have wasted vast sums of money trying to "stimulate" the economy, a multi-trillion dollar crapshoot (emphasis on crap) why only seems to benefit companies and organizations friendly to the Obama administration and key members of Congres. Unfortunately for them, the Obama administration and Congress has missed out an opportunity to both stabilize the monetary system and purchase votes for years to come. I've got a couple of ideas that would be much smarter than TARP, the stimulus package, and the Treasury's new proposal to purchase "toxic assets." And at least one of them would be a lot more fun.


My Joke Proposal


The government issues vouchers for everyone to go buy lottery tickets - $10, $100, whatever. The vouchers are redeemed for lottery tickets at participating retail locations who would continue to get whatever cut they presently do. This lottery wouldn't be so winner-takes-most; there would be lots of prizes worth tens of thousands, maybe via scratch-off games, pick-six, etc.


The advantages of this option over the present stimulus packages? It's fun. Education is funded by these lotteries, which Obama keeps telling us is the key to sustainable long-range growth. Retail locations will earn whatever fee they do for carrying the lottery, plus all of the additional patrons are bound to buy other stuff while they're in there. Increased presence in the stores increases demand, which is the Keynesian principal Team Obama is counting on with the stimulus anyway. Politically, each person would feel like they're personally benefitting from the legislation rather than some vague notion that society is being helped by more bridges or some dumb bank being bailed out. This would be a much better way to buy votes and is still significantly less expensive.


Not a Serious Proposal, but Still Smarter than TARP and any Other Stimulus


My second proposal achieves the aim of TARP, the stimulus package, and these other huge programs, but individual citizens would benefit directly, rather than inefficiently and externally trying to revive the economy. With all of these spending packages (and you Republicans can include your boy W in your list of people to thank) we've spent about $10,000 per taxpayer. Under my plan, taxpayers would register debt accounts at the new federal website, www.calgontakemydebtaway.com, delineating how much of the $10,000 due to them would be funding which accounts. The government would then fund these accounts within a given timeframe. For those who don't have debt accounts, the funds could be used toward a 529 or another long-term type of account, donated to a university, or refused altogether.

This proposal is vastly more effective than the measures the government has taken for a number of reasons. First, it would stabilize banks with an infusion of capital to offset losses from moronic investments like subprime lending (and the result investment products) and which they could subsequently lend, injecting the liquidity in the market which TARP has not. While the government wouldn't be recouping interest from the banks, it also wouldn't be assuming any of the risk of purchasing toxic assets and the possibility of default and collapse by the entities stupid enough to have created the assets in the first place; the government is more likely to lose significantly more money in that way than in not recovering interest. Demand would increase as people don't have to pay down credit card balances or car payments. Mortgages which now hang in the balance would be brought to safety, with creditors being able to recapture the entirety of what they're owed, stabilizing the housing industry. Millions of people would benefit directly rather than have to try to understand how in the big picture the government's actions don't just benefit the rich and their friends/cronies.

Moreover, trillions of dollars are more wisely spent in the hands of the populace rather than concentrated in the accounts of the few. The Vote Purchasing Act of 2009 would ensure incumbents several re-elections and while being completely unconstitutional and morally wrong (no more so than the present course), it would be a vast improvement over the measures our government has already taken.